im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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