One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
