Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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