Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
