halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize