shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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