Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
whose ass print is on the piano?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
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