I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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