I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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