I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
