he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
