remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Never joke about your clitoris.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
