the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize