I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
