whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
You are a genius and a whore.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
