sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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