woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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