We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
