Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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