We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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