Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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