You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
