He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
