Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I FOUND THE LEGS
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