Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
