one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
