umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize
