Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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