you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
