Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
