i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
so much tequila, so little girl.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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