God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
