just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
