I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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