Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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