I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
