I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
