yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
It's Friday. Sex?
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
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