i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
