If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
