oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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