Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
