I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
