i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
