Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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