mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
im holly from the hills drunk
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize