You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
