i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
