My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
