I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
