Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
