Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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