The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
