420 ftw
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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