All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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