you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
