It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
