I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
