The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
