you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
