Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
