I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
