I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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