woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
