Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
